Randomly Generated

New Years Resolutions

I don’t believe in resolutions, mostly because I know I don’t have the self-control or drive to actually see any of them through. My brain knows this. My body knows this. My heart, soul, and spirit know this.

But this year. This year right here? This year is different. I can feel it in the tiniest of bones in my body. This year feels like the beginning of amazing possibilities reaching out  to me, and all I have to do is extend my stubby little arms and grab them. So I’ve decided to make a list of resolutions – things I would like to accomplish; fears I’d like to overcome; obstacles I’d like to overtake in the coming year of two thousand and fourteen.

I want to share my dreams with you, in no particular order. Come with me.

Resolution #1 – A Brighter Future

In 2014, I want to challenge myself to present the best exterior I possibly can. In Sudan, this means, amongst many things, being of fairer skin. So I’m going to embark on the journey of making myself lighter. Now, I can’t really afford the effective buffering, lightening, brightening, whitening, whatever you want to call them creams (or cremes, if you’re fancy) that are available in the market and that would help propel me to new heights of high-yellowness, so I’m choosing the frugal option – gloves. That’s right, folks, I’m going to start wearing gloves. All the time. Even at night, just in case. I’m hoping that by halfway through the new year, my hands will be significantly lighter than the rest of my body.

At this point, you’re probably a little confused. Allow me to put that confusion to bed (not in a sexy way). The *real* challenge, I feel, is in changing the skin lightening game. I’m aiming to give a whole new perspective, and in the process, possibly starting a new trend. I want to take attention away from the face, which has long been the focus of most people’s whitening efforts. But what if it wasn’t? What if the focus was giving people the illusion that your hands are yours but the face is someone else’s? At some point everyone decided it’s acceptable to just chameleon-change your face and no one is questioning it, but I am! I’m questioning it! And my question is: why does the face get to have all the fun?

Resolution #2 – The Bachelorette, No More

You read that right, I’m pledging to change my marital status. Tired of being the bachelorette, always a bridesmaid but never a bride, I’m finally ready to  commit. Yup, I’m ready to fully embrace the life I was destined to live. I rejected this true nature of mine for so long, and I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s caused me and the people around me a considerable amount of hurt. I can’t take this double life anymore. It’s not fair on the people I love, and it isn’t fair on me.

So enough lies! I’m here, and I’m ready. I want to reveal my true self to you all in anticipation of 2014 – I am a hermit! I’m a hermit and I’m no longer ashamed of it! I want every man, woman, and child to know that I love being alone! Shout it from the rooftops – I love being with ME and only ME!

Resolution #3 – The Better to See You With, Dear

A few days ago, one of my students asked me why I wear such large glasses, which, quote, “make the eyes so small”. I ignored the cruel, unsolicited and overreaching hit on my self esteem, and instead tried to explain that it wasn’t the glasses’ fault that I inherited my father’s beady eyes. But she seemed convinced that if I wore smaller frames, somehow this would change the size of my peepers. So, once again I decided to challenge myself, this time by finding not only the largest pair of glasses ever, but also the most medium pair of glasses ever, and the smallest pair of glasses ever. I will alternate between these three pairs, thus causing wide panic and confusion at the growing and shrinking size of my eyes. Is it a new evolutionary mutation? Was I involved in a freak accident? Am I a wizard? No one will know……..

<whispers> except for you.

Resolution #4 – A Softer Side

It’s no secret; anyone who knows me can tell you that I lack a certain je-ne-sais-quoi (or three) in the girly department. I’m a little bit (lot) crass. I don’t know how to flutter my lashes, or look adorably embarrassed, or giggle without sounding like Muttley, the wheezing dog from the old school Hannah Barbera cartoon Wacky Races. Seriously, the list of my feminine shortcomings is endless. But one thing that I can no longer sit idly by while I suck at doing, is crying.

So 2014 is going to be the Year of the Tears. I’m going to find a way, so help me God, to learn to cry. And not just that, I’m going to master the art of crying. By the time I’m (or some skilled crying guru is) done with me, I’m not just going to be able to cry on command, I’m going to be able to control the number of tears I produce. Touching scene of a young man helping an old lady cross the street? check – mist for the eyes on deck. Shocking truth of betrayal revealed in a shocking way, causing shock? easy – blink and cue lone tear rolling swiftly down the cheek, with lips parted in surprise. Devastating breakup? come on now – you know that’s the tear shower (flowing at a rate of about 10 tears/sec, of course), followed by violent body fling on the bed while shaking and grabbing the strategically placed pillow.

2014, I don’t think you ready for this jelly, ’cause my tears way too salty for you, bae.

Resolution #5 – An Inconvenient Truth

The truth can be a scary thing. But you know who doesn’t like the truth? Evil people, that’s who. I’m not evil. I don’t want to be evil, and I’m sure you don’t want me to be. That’s why I’m doing this. For you. So in 2014, my honesty level is going to leave your imagination unemployed, destitute, and panhandling in the streets. I’m not ’bout propagating the lies to appease the Devil (pronounced de-veel) and his lying, pants-on-firing ways. From now on, it’s 100% unadulterated veracity. So the next time you want to ask me personal questions like, “Why aren’t you married yet?” consider the fact that I just might make you wildly uncomfortable when I answer with, “Because no one wants me”.

Oh wait, that already happened.

That’s right. Hashtag TruthLife is in full effect as of December 2013. I’m ahead of the curve, son! I’m taking you all by surprise and blowing your minds with my honest honesty. Similar questions like, “3ala wain ya inta” [where you off to, sweetness] will be met with, “Walahi yakh masha almaktab 3indi daris mafrood addeehu, w ba3ad dak masha bika kida fil kalaakla, galu alrajil maat feeee kurseehu, la 3ayyan la 7aja. Ghaytu aldunya di bigat masha khalas da kalam akhir zaman. Allah iddeena 7usn alkhaatima bas. Uw 3alai al3alay  ja3ana jo3a dayra amoot, w ma 3indi guroosh, w alkalib alfil shughul natta feeni w sharrat lay shantati, gata3 galbi Allah igta3 galbu istaghfar Allah, w nas baitna za3laneen minni galu maaaa ga3da laihum w walaaahi ana bas fatarta min niggat alnas, 3arif?” [entirely too much information that you neither want to know nor care about].

So think about that.

2014 is going to be a great year. I can feel it.

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